Payback is Happily Inevitable
So, after a couple of weeks back on NF I finally received my punishment for disappearing from NF and being away so long.
I love all the different ways to play with all the different players in my life, and I must say that being welcomed back with such open arms was a thrill to me ... still, I have this naughty side of me that expects to be punished. Today I finally got it.
It was almost like a head game. I thought I had gotten away with something without too much fan fare and I was starting to think that maybe I liked the thought of getting away with something and not being caught or reprimanded. But for any of you that know me, for all my ways of being ... being punished is a turn-on.
Letting someone else be in charge is a nice break from the seductive-Ashley attending to your needs or the naughty Ashley who basically sells her soul to get a passing grade in grad school. I love being all of those people and more, but changing it up every once in a while to being the girl who has no say in what is to occur can be exhilarating to say the least. I imagine it's something like when a corporate big-wig gets his bum whacked while on all fours - he can submit to mindless pleasure without pressure, so when I tell you that the pressure was released this afternoon you wouldn't be wrong to imagine a pressure-cooker about burst.
This was a nice way to unwind for me this morning - especially after I clicked on a few other hotties' listings and saw some of my favorite leave reviews under another girl's listing - most of them that I did see happened while I was "absent," but it gave me an uneasy, almost jealous feeling. Kind of like going on vacation and seeing someone sitting at my desk when I returned with all the guys in the office looking and acting like everything was normal. Of course I didn't expect everyone to just stop calling NF. I'm not unrealistic about things. But seeing it in cold-hard writing was ... well I felt like I had let you all down - and I have. And then the realization that I still hadn't been punished for that made me feel like I needed some closure on the situation.
In a weird twist of fate, all of my calls were from some of my more dominant friends and I started to feel that closure I had longed for. Suddenly my jealousy turned to sheer abandon and I felt like I had regained my seat behind my desk again. Even weirder was that the one call that put me entirely over the edge (and my last call this afternoon, but no my last for the day) was from a new friend - a total stranger, but absolutely a new friend. Despite the miles of phone wire between us, I'd be almost justified in suspecting that I was pregnant after that call. And the climactic release I felt was invigorating to say the least.
Now I feel like life can resume as normal on NF - not that for the most part it hadn't but I was getting almost bummed that I wasn't being punished for my wrongdoing. Does that make sense?
Now I feel free to be me with whomever I may be with whether they need me to be coy, shy, seductive, bratty, willing or unwilling to play their game. And all the jealousy I felt about my guys visiting others - well, my confidence returned. I began to tell myself that they'd all be back and that all those hoochies would be tossed aside like the garnish they were - I'm the dish they want. And while I at one time actually considered lowering myself to their level (those brazen, no talent "f-me" girls), I now know that I can only be me and that that's what my friends appreciate - and now I'm more confident and relaxed then I've been in months.
I try not to be too emotionally connected, but it doesn't always work like that. But as long as I can be me, and feed your desires, I'm happy. I can't be jealous of my friends taking advantage of other girls when I'm clearly talking to many myself, right? Right. Still I hope that all of you know that I'm sincere as well as connected to each of you. I feel acceptance for my kinks and quirks and I want others to feel the same - always, in all ways.
I'll be around tonight (last night I had some killer margaritas that kind of filled my quota for the night life for the rest of the weekend), so I'll definitely be around. If you miss me tonight, you can catch me tomorrow. I know it's football day, but there's always half-time!
Well, when I come back later, I'm hoping that the vibe continues. But I had to take a break ... I was lucky enough to have so many calls that I felt all used up.